Tired

We did get some sleep though.  Gerry is staying with us and she & I had a couple drinks last night which let us rest.  That and just emotional exhaustion.

I thought I’d handle yesterday better.   I wanted to, for Mom’s sake.  I thought I could be like I was on Sunday, being strong, making decisions or at least helping keep the chaos from overwhelming us a little.  But I didn’t.  Some people trying to make all the decisions or playing a game of “who knew mom best”…. it got to me.  I couldn’t take sitting in my mom’s house, with her clothes and little things that she handles every day, and do nothing but stare at each other or argue.

And seeing the photo we gave her for Mother’s Day, a picture of all of us who were on vacation in December, that I took especially for her… how happy she was to get it…. and there it was, in the exact spot where she put it that day….

How can she be gone?

I ran out of the house before I exploded all over the family, but not before I exploded on poor John.  He picked me up in the car with Martin, my nephew and godson, and we ran some errands.  It helped.

It got so bad for Ralph that his daughter Kathleen told us he needed a break and some quiet.  Good for her.  I think we needed it too.  I know I wanted to be in my own home badly.  Phone calls with my aunt who is all alone during this; long distance calls trying to get my brother and a few others in from the other coast; what dress to put her in — and it’s the one Cathi and I shopped with her to buy for her 20th anniversary…

Too many things come flooding back — how thrilled she was to be my matron of honor….  how beautiful she looked, and how she was the only other person awake that early on that day, and I called her and we talked in whispers so we didn’t wake anyone else….

Today, I have to write her obituary and go to the funeral home.  I wanted the arrangements done so we can get it over with; I was detached from it.  Now…. now I feel it, hard and terrible.

We have to plan how to bury my mother today.

I’m already exhausted again and just want to hide in bed.

John has to go back to work today and tomorrow.  I’ll miss him.  I know it’s necessary and he’s only a phone call away.  But I hate that he’s not going to be right there to take my hand or whisper to me in all the moments when my heart breaks.

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