New mantra: I must not strangle people while in mourning….

This weeks is so surreal.  I had to come back to work yesterday; sooner or later, everyone says, you have to get back to normal routine.  But it’s not normal.  I so don’t feel normal.

Except, I came home from work and Pat’s gone home, John’s at work, and it’s the old routine.  Like nothing happened and it was a bad dream, only existing on my peripheral vision.  Even thinking about it, although it hurt, it didn’t feel quite real.  And I got aggravated that I feel this way, and that I was so tired, I couldn’t cry. Because I know it’s real, even though reality has become distorted.

Add to it that the family is fighting over flower and luncheon bills, and the strain gets worse, even though it’s surreal.  Luckily, Terry did call a halt to it, warning us we’re too emotional right now.  Still, I dread the battle over Mom’s things and will that I know is coming.

Today, as I’m battling “surreality”, I get surrounded by people complaining about their “bad weekends” or how terrible last week was because they couldn’t get to the shore, and I want to scream at them.  My mother died! I stood next to her bed as she fought for breath!  I stood there as doctors asked if we wanted to resuscitate her for the third time!  And as we struggled with funeral arrangements, my brother-in-law had an accident where his thumb was almost cut off; three of us had cars fail, and my brother suffered shoulder pain that gave him constant spasms.  And YOU had a bad week because you didn’t spend the whole thing on the beach?!

But I know they don’t mean it that way, so I clamp down on my frustration, hurt, and anger.  And I’ve had so many people be great to me, like my friend Kim from Lady who called me last night and stayed on the phone for an hour or more.  And my friend Kim at work who just rescued me from someone’s story of a “fiasco on Friday”.  I have to understand, just like I have to stay out of family arguments, letting things cool down. After all, I promised to be a better person for Mom.

But, Mom…. I’m so tired.  And I wish it didn’t make me numb to my missing you.


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