Kind of taking a step backwards

Hey, I’m sorry I’m so dark and down in posting.  It’s one reason I didn’t post for a few days, but it’s just the way things are right now.  I do have some smiles and some laughs, but things this week kind of took a step backwards.

We visited the cemetery on Sunday, and I was a little upset to see they hadn’t removed the withered flowers from the funeral.  John cleared off the nameplate, but it just looks so bad.  Even if the flowers are gone, it’s just dirt and rocks…. it’s going to take time for grass to grow and for it to look nice.  Still, it’s a peaceful little place and that’s good.  Since it’s small, they don’t have their own groundcrew to clear things off right away; Ralph told us his son is going to volunteer to help out there.

I was okay, for the most part, until I looked at her name plaque.  That hit hard.

We then visited Ralph which was better than I expected.  It was the normal things out, and I couldn’t see Mom’s stuff, so I didn’t have that hard reminder.  I am worried about Ralph; he’s holding it together, but you can see how deep the pain goes.

I guess it affected me more than I thought because I had a nightmare that night.  I was writing the obituary and everyone’s yelling that I should do it differently and shoving examples at me over and over until all I could see was the papers and the words “Doris Nash Albertson died….” I was screwing it all up and it was surrounding me.

Then yesterday, I got a call from my one sister about the church service.  We had originally planned for the funeral to be held at Mom’s church, thinking that’s what she’d want.  Then it became this odd blowup with 2 of my sisters that it wasn’t going to work and all this BS.  We compromised that everything would be held at the funeral home, and since it was all during the day, we’d have a church service on a Saturday night.  That way, if people couldn’t make the Thursday services, they had this evening one to go too.  Really, my 2 sisters were focused on doing this for the people at the church.  And wanted it to be 2 weeks later, so people had plenty of time to know it was going to happen.

Except, they never scheduled it, and called me yesterday freaking out about having it at all, and what are we going to do, and one says Mom will be upset, and the other is–   you get the picture.

It was planning the funeral all over again and it made me very tired and sink inside.  Last night, I realized that everyone’s grief is different.  I knew that, but didn’t see it in the way my family acted.  For me and my sister Terry, things had to be done.  Someone had to talk to the doctors, the funeral directors, the florist etc.  It had to be done, so I did it.  The action let me see it in an abstract way so I could do the things I needed to do, even though it hit me inside.  At night, I’d collapse and the emotion would take over, but the next day, I had to pull it together.  It was necessary. If I had to have handled the church arrangements, I would have because it needed to be done.

For other people, that couldn’t happen.  The decisions made it worse, so they shrunk back.  They couldn’t think of eulogies and couldn’t understand my need to say something in some way.

But now, I feel like I’m a step back.  I’m hollow and heavy inside all at once.  Drained and then hurting. I’ve started thinking about all the same things again: why didn’t I kiss her goodbye that day?  Why did she have to be alone in that ambulance, her last conscious moments, scared and with strangers?

On top of it, a friend is going through horrible times and called me in tears.  I didn’t know what to say and a part of me wanted to scream that I couldn’t handle it, but of course that’s wrong.  I can at least listen and say how sorry I am.  People do it for me.  So I listened.  It’s funny how listening to hurt can take a lot of strength.  I just wish I could actually do something to fix the situation.

I was feeling like I was moving forward too fast and even shouldn’t be discussing it.  A friend of ours from Trenton, who just had dinner with us for my birthday, lost her mom on Thursday.  With her grief just beginning, she confessed she couldn’t read my posts or contact me last week because she knew her mom didn’t have long.  I felt bad that I maybe made it worse for her.

Let’s summarize this: it’s rough right now. But we’re going away this weekend; I hope it’s the break that we need.

I promise to post something happier next time.


2 responses to “Kind of taking a step backwards

  1. Hang in there Erin. And I hope your weekend is wonderful.

  2. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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