Confusion and angst

I haven’t posted in awhile because it’s the same sad news. Good things do happen: John took me to Wildwood a week ago and we had a good time. I even got a mp3 of “Watch the tram car, please!” and made it my ringtone! Plus, he found this “pewter” angel from a mom to her daughter that clips to the visor to watch over you. He said my mom would want me to have it. It helps me to see it each day.

But then things happen with my family and the whole Ralph situation, and just sits so heavy in my thoughts and feelings, that it’s very hard for me to shake it.  I had a good “talk” over email with Terry and Gerry that clarified a lot of things for me and helped to explain how I felt.

But right after that began people in the family starting up this whole thing that makes no sense to me.  Cheryl and Gerry began calling Ralph or having him over.  Cheryl has actually talked more about her concern about Ralph — about Ralph! — than anything about our Mom being gone.  I don’t even need one whole hand to list the number of times she talked about Mom and how sad she is.  I’d have to borrow a few people and their hands to count up how many times she’s talked about “making sure Ralph is okay”. Because, after all, she says this is my mom’s fault, not Ralph’s. Where in the hell are the right priorities?!!

When they talk to Ralph, they never bring up the problem, never try to resolve it, and then claim how great everything is.  Gerry even sent one email with quotes from the Bible and and a note saying Mom would want us to make peace.  Us?! I’d love to make peace, but hello!  I didn’t start the war or keep it fueled!  She’s sending that to the wrong family!

Then she sends me an email this morning saying how great it is that she talked to Ralph and cleared things up.  In actuality, what she did is say, “If I did or said something that hurt you, I’m sorry.” and he said “Okay.”  I don’t even know if he heard her because his hearing is terrible, especially on the phone.  When Gerry gave me this spiel of how she did what Mom wanted and it made the situation so great, I asked: so you he told you to come pick up Mom’s things that she wanted us to have?  The picture in the antique frame of our great-grandparents farm?  Her first wedding ring that I’m supposed to get?  The scrapbooking things that you wanted?  He reassured you that he didn’t cut us out of the Will?  She said no, but the situation was still fixed.

So I asked: he apologized for accusing of us of stealing things?  He apologized for devastating Cathi to the point she couldn’t talk or function?  He explicity said he never should have listened to Debbie’s accusations and that he knew we’d never do the things she said?  About the cards, the dolls, the expensive bowl, my mom’s jewelry?


Because of course he didn’t say any of that.  Nothing’s changed other than his saying, “Okay.”  Guess what?  He said that to my face a week before his talk with Cathi, all the while he believed I was a thief and a liar, and planned to keep my mom’s personal belongings for his family.

I understand the idea that they’re trying to keep in contact so the rift doesn’t grow, but at some point, you have to actually DEAL with the situation or nothing changes.  It’ll be like that Sunday when I visited: he’s thinking all these things, he’s doing these things, but won’t say them to my face.

Now they want to have him to the shore during the week we had planned to get together to remember my mom on what would have been her 80th birthday celebration.  I’m sorry, but I can’t sit there and make nice like nothing happened.  I can’t be a hypocrite, and for me, that’s what they’re asking me to do. Hug the man who accused me of stealing my mom’s jewelry, of breaking into his house and stealing from him! Of hurting and disrespecting my mom!  I don’t want to attack the guy, but I want to discuss this situation and settle it.

Sorry for the doom and gloom.  Like I said, it’s hanging heavy on me.


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