Snuggies: you’ll never need anything else!

I bet standup comedians are staying away from this  because it’s like wondering what they charge at a dollar store: too easy.  But c’mon!

If you haven’t seen the commercial for Snuggies: the blankets with sleeves, then you’ve missed some chuckles.  It starts off okay: you’re chilly and you grab a blanket, because you have oil heat and if you raise that thermostat, you’ll be selling a kidney on ebay to pay that oil bill.  And that’s just the beginning of your problems.

Ugh!  No one in America sells a blanket that fits your whole body!  It’s obviously a conspiracy.  The utilities company pay off the blanket manufactures to make tiny blankets so that you HAVE to jack up that heat!  The b@stards!

You can tell it’s cold because everything has taken on a blue hue.

Damn! Now the phone rings! Not only do you have to take your hands out of the blanket to answer it, but your tiny non-Snuggie blanket falls off the upper half of your body! Because of course there’s no way to just get your hands free AND keep that blanket around your shoulders.  Will the torment never stop?!

Yes, they can!  Because there, up in the sky, hearing your cry for help, is the Snuggie!

NOW all your problems are answered!  You’re warm, your hands are free, and everything else is covered.  You’re lightheaded just thinking about it. Whee!

It’s nice to see Ben “ObiWan” Kenobi just kicking back and watching TV, isn’t it?  The poor guy has been through so much, I, for one , am glad to know he got chances to catch a game or laugh along with a sitcom once in a while.  He even has munchies.  Go, Obi!

The Snuggie: the official new chillin’ robe of the Jedi Order!

Speaking of games….  things are about to go horribly wrong.

This reminds me of when I read Highlights magazine and they had the “Find the 10 things wrong in this picture”.

1: I try to be very open minded and not judge people for doing something different.  And yet, every instinct in me yells, “You are so going to get your a$$es kicked” when I see these people.

2: Remember how a Snugggie kept your hands free?  Not if your undersized!  That’s right, someone at Snuggie Inc. does not like shorties such as the poor daughter in this photo.  Now you’re stuck looking like a bad Jawa without the cool glowing eyes and hood.

3:  Did they WEAR these to the game?  Because I don’t see any jackets, and supposedly it’s cold enough to need a coat…. or a Snuggie.  So now we see how the Snuggie saves you big bucks!  Not only is your thermostat set to 50 degrees at home (You’d set it to 20, but the pipes would freeze and burst.), but you never need to buy a coat again!  Just don your Snuggie and be the envy of everyone!  Your boss will give you a promotion when you stride in , sharp and suave, in your Snuggie!

4:  If it’s so cold out, why is no one wearing gloves?  Even though a few seconds later, we see people blowing on their hands to warm them?

5: Gotta love the team spirit in the lady right above the “Great for the Outdoors!” tag line.  Most people reserve that devoted expression for the Pope.  Or rock stars.  Or when the gas prices go down.

I’m not going to give all 10, because that’ll make you lazy, but I’ll give the biggie!

Remember, the Snuggie does NOT wrap around you.  So these people are catching MAJOR winds on their backs with the draft moving down to their goody parts.  It’s amazing the guy can be that happy while that’s happening.

You’re saying, “No!  It’s not true!  Snuggie would never deceive me!”  You’re right, it wouldn’t!  Hence the commercial showing you (albeit subtly) —

— that as the woman high-fives her man, her back and side are exposed to the cold.  And yet, she’s happy!  So the thin, “ultra-soft fleece” of the Snuggie keeps you warm even on the parts it doesn’t touch!  My god, there’s nothing it can’t do!

Again, kudos to the lady above the outdoors tag line.  She’s now weeping with joy.  Maybe they’ve told her she’s won a Snuggie.  Or gas has dropped to $1.30/gallon.  Or the Pope is in town…. playing at a rock concert.

On the other hand, the two men behind the Snuggie family are looking hostile.

I know this next part isn’t seeing “the glass half-full”, but….

…. as someone who has been camping since she was six weeks old,  I do hope the Snuggie is flame retardant.  Campfires tend to have embers pop out like Jiffy Pop, so one spark and — POOF!

Not to mention, drop a flaming marshmallow on that polyester and you’ll never have to worry about your Snuggie falling off, because it’ll be melted to your thigh.

Don’t settle for imitations.  They’re just another attempt to subvert this country!  True Americans buy brand names!

Snuggie:  the answer to everything!

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5 responses to “Snuggies: you’ll never need anything else!

  1. Oh I fricken hate the snuggie. It’s a ROBE people! You’re wearing a ROBE to an outdoors event!

  2. If any of you try to take my Snuggie (I have the “Slanket” version) I will cut you. Mine is brown. Matt wears it backward so it looks like a Jedi robe.

    But I will NEVER wear it outside. My dorkness has a limit.

  3. Do you know there’s a whole Slanket vs Snuggie debate being battled out on the web? Neither did I until I looked up what a Slanket was.

    I have something like these, but it really is a long robe; it can be enclosed by a zipper around my feet to keep them warm. I think it looks like one of those babies’ cinch sacks.

    I don’t think it ever occurred to anyone to wear these things outside. That’s what makes the commercial so funny.

    I think you should try it though: wear it to a Philly/NJ sporting event and then report on the reaction for the paper. It can be your expose! 😉

  4. Yeeeeah. I can imagine the “700-level” reaction would be if I dorked my way into an Eagles game with a Snuggie.

  5. instead of a “Snuggie” i prefer to call mine a “Power Blanket”

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